Soul Mates and Choosing Our Parents

Soul Mates? We don’t live in a Disney World.

Do soul mates exist? Absolutely. I know several couples who are soul mates and have found each other and lived happily ever after (at least so far). But don’t let the pink romantic glow settle in just yet. Don’t make that deep sigh a reality, because there’s more to the story.

Not everyone has a soul mate for which Im eternally grateful. I can hear the eyebrows raising but stay with me here. Most people think of a soul mate as just the really perfect partner. They think there are a lot of people who could work, who could be configured or jury rigged or duct taped into the right configuration, but there’s one special someone who is just perfect. It’s a bit like the relationship version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. This one’s too hot and this one’s too cold and this one is JUST RIGHT. But that’s not what a soul mate is, in actuality. A soul mate is a specific type of relationship contract. One so strict and binding it affects all aspects of each partner’s life. A soul mate is something you have to agree to prior to coming into this embodied life. In agreeing there will be one and only one person who will fit with you, you have excluded all others. It’s like being a cell phone which has a unique charger connection. No other power cord will due, only that exact one which is made for just you. It’s romantic in a way, but it is also a set up for a really tragic comedy of errors. I mean, if you don’t remember you have a soul mate contract, you think you’re just any other boy or girl and you want to date and have fun and enjoy life, you can’t. All dates fail or go sideways because those people aren’t for you. It’s like the princess with the curse: nothing works even though you’re doing everything right. But that’s ok, right? Because in the end you’re going to meet the one person who is meant for you and live happily ever after…? Right?

Well, this is where we get into the second problem. Logistics. Having a soul mate, having two people who are perfect for each other and destined to come together, is like throwing two darts at each other from 1000 miles away and hoping they meet tip to tip in the middle without having had anything deflect them or block their path. The odds of this working out is one of those numbers which takes a professional mathematician to figure out. The problem is so prevalent Shakespeare wrote about it and his play is one of the best known and most beloved tragedies in the world.

Logistically, having a soul mate takes preplanning before an embodied life to a greater degree than other types of relationships. The two souls have to agree on any number of things to make this happen like embodying in relatively the same time frame so the ages work, what sex and sexual orientation to be, ethnicities, socioeconomic status, what continents to be on, and all the triggering events and signals to use in order to get themselves to meet up and recognize each other. Then they need to plan what their personal journey’s will be because once together the lives will be entwined and need to not be at odds with each other as far as goals and pleasures and pursuits. All of which makes the two embodied souls like magnets pulling towards each other helping the darts sail through the air in each other’s direction. And also enhances the tragedy if the epic fail occurs and they don’t meet up with each other or they do and somehow it doesn’t work out.

Because what happens to one soul mate if the other dies early? Or if they ignore all the signals and triggering events and go do something completely different? What if the two meet up and something forces them apart, but they don’t do something tragic like suicide? Everything about their life is structured to make them incompatible for anyone else but the one specific person who isn’t there. Nothing else feels quite right and nothing else works out. Great story, too bad for the person who actually has to live it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good cathartic tragedy as much as the next person….in novels or plays or TV or movies. However, when I work with people who are living the real thing, I’m not as enthused. And I’m a romantic who roots for these couples as much as the next guy. I think it’s fabulous when soul mates go walking past me glowing so bright you can’t help but see them. But, to me, the alternative most people choose for relationships in their life seems much more practical and enjoyable and filled with much more possibility and joy and fun. When I read most people’s soul books what I find is not a soul mate contract, but a stack of contracts for possibly relationship partners. Because life is a series of decisions, of if/then statements, which move us from here to there and help us co-create our experience of the world around us. So they keep their options open. If having a partner is something the person has on their agenda, they will have an array of contracts set up so no matter what they have chosen, no matter what path they have taken up to that point in their lives they will have the ability to connect and create a happily ever after which is more amazing than they could have imagined before they embodied.

I like to call this deciding on a partner point in a person’s life the Ice Cream Moment. Instead of having one soul mate that is exquisitely perfect for them, they have an array of choices of partner, all of whom are fantastic, none of who is better than any other. It’s like going into an Ice Cream store and picking what you want. It’s all ice cream so go to town. It’s not about what’s right, but what you want in the moment. There are no wrong choices when choosing ice cream, just preferences and joy. And you get to sample and explore, be wild or traditional, try sprinkles for goodness sake! Which also means for most people, it’s not about waiting for the right person to come along, but stating to the Universe, “Ok I’m ready to start meeting people. Let’s get this party started.” Putting the signal out there starts contracts rolling and gets people moving in your direction or you moving in theirs. And from there who knows what could happen. :)

Akashic Answers About Parents — Does Choosing Them Make Us Responsible For Them?

Another type of relationship I’m frequently asked about are parents. About why they did things or didn’t do things, why they set certain things in motion, why they hold certain beliefs, etc. But mostly what people actually want to know is, if they actually chose their parents, and if they did, why they did.

So, do we choose our parents: Yes.

We preplan everything about an embodied life before we come into it. As parents are one of the most foundational pieces of an embodied life it’s certainly not something we leave to chance. Parents provide our race, social circumstances, geographic identity (or lack thereof), economic status, as well as a lineage handed down through both family lines and genetics, just to name a few things. Then there are the specifics of the social structure which is the family they create out of their own personalities and choices in each moment. That’s a lot to get from just a couple of people.

This brings us to the second question: Why.

This one always gives me pause, not because it’s in any way wrong to ask, not because I’ll have problems seeing the information, but because of the two assumptions embedded into it which I have to work against or through. One is the assumptions the parents had no free will and simply acted out scripts the child agreed to beforehand. The other is the parents they chose were like time release capsules with lessons and events for the child packed into them ready to unfold over time.

These assumptions can make it seem everything the parents did or didn’t do was predetermined and some kind of life lesson which the child has yet to figure out and is therefore still working through. However the first thing I point out is their parents’ lives were no more predetermined than their own. Free will is granted to all of us, including parents. Which means, just like us, they set goals for what they wished to achieve in their lives. This includes being parents and as parents they made agreements to provide their child with a variety of things and experiences, and then they get to implement that in the embodied world. And they will fail spectacularly in a variety of ways from small to amazingly large.

Just as in some things we will succeed and exceed our expectations while failing to some degree in a host of others, so they as parents will succeed and fail concerning everything they agreed to do and be for us. When I look at the records concerning this I often see clients knew there was a chance for things to go wrong, for things with their parents to not go as well as could be hoped and this gets factored into the planning as a possibility. In those cases I would agree the person chose the experience or at least accepted that the events might occur and were an acceptable outcome. I also see where people knew the parents wouldn’t be anything less than a bit awful and they agree to this, not out of a need to rid themselves of karma or as some kind of punishment, but as a means to grow strong and overcome. They use it as a means to spur them to action, to cause them to rebel and strive in areas they might not otherwise do, to challenge themselves to rise above it and to create a deep well of empathy for others. Many healers go this route as it spurs their healing abilities.

In other cases I see where the parents were to behave in the realm of mediocre, being neither excellent nor horrifying, but make choices which lead them into abusive, horrendous acts which were not planned and cause difficult to overcome damage which takes the priority over any other plans for the person’s adult life. In these cases I can validate the person’s experience of this being wrong and that it should not have happened. This is one of the negative effects of free will and the nature of parent/child relationships. The effects can be healed if the client is willing to do so and it usually helps to know the events they survived were neither planned nor acceptable nor karmically induced.

Another thing I see regularly is the person’s soul being quite different from the parents. Again, we choose our parents for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the absolutely perfect combination of factors is not available and so we find a match which is good enough, which is acceptable even while including the not quite perfect factors. For example, the parents are academics while the child is an artist or rock musician. The parents are fundamental in their religion while the child is spiritual and can’t follow dogma. The parents are athletes where the child is an academic. You get the picture. While it makes things difficult to be the odd man out, it’s sometimes the best option in light of all the other things the person gets. While it might be painful in the beginning, in the long term it works out and when we’re planning an embodied life we often value the long term more than the short.

Now this is not to say all parents are failures or difficult or a hindrance. I know of a great many parents and families who succeeded in providing great childhood environments for my clients. Those clients have no complaints in that area and are working through other issues not necessarily caused in childhood. I know of them because I look while I’m doing a reading, just to be sure. People who have good childhoods don’t often ask about why they had the parents they did.

So are we responsible for who are parents were and the things they did because we chose them? No. As human beings living an embodied life they have/had free will and make/made choices in every moment which cause(d) them to act as they did. Just like you do now.

Teri Uktena works to help people change their lives, to help them achieve their dreams, find divine purpose, and achieve happiness through Akashic Readings

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